Embarrassing tales of school holidays

So, school goes back this week and with it is me receiving my merit badge for passing my first round of school holidays. I say passing because well, I didn’t totally fail but didn’t sail through with flying colours either. If you recall, there was the incident of losing Mr O, and, on top of that, I’ve said hello to some pretty cringeworthy/awkward/wishing-the-ground-would-open-up-and-swallow-me type moments this past fortnight.

So in no particular order, I present to you, the embarrassing things I have survived these school holidays, thanks to my kid.  This is the stuff that no one warns you about:

  • Your kid will open the toilet door on you in IKEA while you’re still in the cubicle {mid-wee no less} because they have finished and want out. The toilet door will of course be one of those ones that open OUT so despite your valiant efforts at squatting, your arms just aren’t quite long enough to grab the latch and pull it back closed to cover your dignity which of course has already been lost because the line of about 100 women waiting to go in {thanks, school holidays} will have already heard you say “Ollie, not yet, Ollie, mum’s not ready, Ollie, stop, Ollie, OLLIE!”. So you will find yourself sitting there, pants around ankles, smiling awkwardly as people look in on you and your own reflection in the mirror while your kid starts washing their hands but then thank the universe for kind-hearted strangers who save your ass {literally} when they push the door closed for you and say “don’t worry love, we’ve all been there”. Um? have we? HAVE WE?!
  •  See above but replace “IKEA” with “the zoo” and delete all references to kind-hearted strangers.  Thanks universe.
  • Your kid will say very loudly “I. DON’T. LIKE. SUSHI. YUCK.” as you casually hand over your $10 to the lady at the sushi shop who has just packaged up your sushi lunch and gives you a sushi smile as you hot foot it out of there faster than you can say “wasabi later”.
  • Your kid will help you look for a book in a second-hand bookstore and within earshot of the owner say {and again very loudly}, “IF WE DON’T FIND A FIRE ENGINE BOOK, THIS WILL BE AN EPIC FAIL”. You won’t find a fire engine book.  This fact will be repeated as you go to the counter to pay for a book on fairy tales and be met with a politely awkward smile from the owner.
  • Your kid will want to get in the trolley in K-Mart, but not just any old trolley, the one at the back of the trolley line, behind about 30 others and will have a little meltdown meaning no one at that time is getting a trolley until you think “fuck it” and proceed to pull all 30 trolleys out and temporarily block the entrance so you an get the magic trolley just to have a little peace.
  • In Target, your kid will want out of the trolley.  You will proceed to lift them out until your finger gets stuck between the plastic seat and metal bars while picking your kid up so you can’t actually move any more than a finger length from the seat which isn’t good enough for your kid who starts moving which just makes your finger-trapping situation worse and so you start saying “Ollie, the trolley.  Sit back in the trolley, Ollie. My finger, Ollie.  Don’t move, Ollie. The trolley, Ollie. Ollie. OLLIE.” Somehow your finger might actually be broken but becomes free about the same time you realise all the other shoppers have stopped and are staring and listening to yout poetic rant.  You will smile just like you did at IKEA.
  • And finally, your kid will spew in the back of your car on the final Friday night of school holidays after drinking an orange juice when you are in the Red Rooster drive though picking up a whole chicken for dinner and you will smile feebly as you look at the horror on the 16-year-old attendants face before driving all the way home with the windows down, which only takes five minutes but feels like five hours and smells like fifty shades of wrong, before deciding that you’re not really hungry for chicken anymore.

Bring on Term 2.  And the July school holidays because I AM READY!




9 thoughts on “Embarrassing tales of school holidays

  1. Oh Jo……. such memories you have brought back which thankfully we can now laugh about because as the lady in IKEA said…. we have all been there. Thankfully, like childbirth, the painful memories fade and the happy memories remain – that’s what photos are for right, to help us remember the good times??! Enjoy it all and wear that merit badge with pride because it passes so fast – from a mother of two, now teenage boys.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh hon, school holidays are certainly a mixed bag haha. I’ve just survived my first school holidays too. Go us! You made me laugh (sorry) about the toilet issue! We did the zoo last week and the very first thing I said as we shared a cubicle was DO NOT TOUCH THAT LATCH. THANK GOODNESS I was able to head him off before he twisted the little latch each time or I would know your pain!!
    I have loved the holidays for the relaxed routine, but I have also realised how little me time you have and how messy the house gets!!! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. #donottouchthelatch needs its own hashtag! GOLD! We had an awesome holiday too, but yes looking forward to getting back into school also! Hope you’re wearing your merit badge with pride for surviving too!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh god I’m always so scared mine will open the toilet door on me. I usually still go to the parents room so she’s distracted by the sink, mirror and the little toilet. By the time she’s got bored looking at them I’m usually finished thankgod. But, come to think of it if she did open the door the parents toilet is probably a bad place to be because I’d be waaaay too far away to have any chance of grabbing it and shutting it again.

    Liked by 1 person

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